The 4th of July Showdowns

Posted on 7/22/2009 at 8:11:04 PM

by Michael Fahrion

It was a hot and dusty morning when Seth, Little Britches, Slim & Dog came trailin’ into town. Miss Vycke, local floozy, stood waitin’ by the bridge for them. Seth was a lookin’ fer a gift for his Mama. He couldn’t remember what fer, but figured he was better off with a gift then without. Scouting the Rusty Buffalo he came out with a straw cowboy hat. But the gang informed him his Mama wore only bonnets. Seth wandered on over to Lulabelles where he lassoed a jar of Buffalo Breath Salsa and was about to put his brand on it when the gang reminded him that his mama weren’t to partial on spicy chuck. The next stop the Laughing Lizard where Seth rounded up a dime novel, The Great Stagecoach Hold Up. I reckon he plum forgot his Mama couldn’t read, she taught him everything he knows. The gang reminded him no one could read ‘cept’ Little Britches, and she said she t’wernt gonna camp out a readin’ to his Mama when outlawin’ was more fun.

Headin’ on down the shop trail Seth rode over to the Bliss Boutique. He stunk so bad he was a scaring the real customers and the shopkeeper stampeded him with a double 12 gage. Bustin’ out the door she cut loose a blast to let him know she meant it. That brought the law a running. Marshal Payne quickly spotted the bank money bag Little Britches was totin’ and figured it was them that robbed the Texas bank they had gotten the telegram about. With threat of arrest and hangin’, Little Britches tried to cut a deal trading the bank bag to let ‘em haul freight out of Town. Marshal Odie called the play figurin” they could split the loot and still blame the Seth Gang. Deputy Doc Holyday was all fer it, but Marshal Payne recollected the last time Little Britches made the same deal leaving them holdin’ a bag full of rattlesnake. Odie figured he’d best get someone from the audience to check the bag, but thee were no takers. Marshal Payne noted Slim was a packin’ a bag and told Odie to give Little Britches back the bank bag and cut the same deal fer Slim’s bag.

Odie took Slim’s bag into custody with much protest from the Gang and proceeded to dig for the stolen bank loot. Odie pulled out a worn out pair of under-britches, which he sorely needed. Deputy Doc came up with pair of dirty, threadbare socks & lady’s bloomers. He was sure he could cut a deal with a floozy fer the bloomers. Thinkin’ the loot was hidden deeper Marshal Payne reached in and pulled out a dress. Seth came a runnin’ saying that was his mama’s and we couldn’t have it. Figuring they’d been hornswaggled again and left with the gang’s dirty laundry, Marshal Payne grabbed Seth’s sixgun. “At least we can get the reward fer yer arrest,” he said. The rest of the gang tried to call the Marshal’s play with their Colts .45s. The law raised the anti with their six-guns causin’ the rest of the gang to skedaddled not wanting to wing Seth. The law hauled Seth off to jail with him a hollerin’ fer the gang to tell his mama and she’d come bail him out.

Right after lunch the law was camped outside a make do jail when Miss Vycke and Miss Goodbody, came a strollin’ up the street. Notin’ the good mood of the lawmen they ask what they were a celebratin’. Odie replied we’d done caught Seth who had a big reward on him. They ask to get dealt in on the fandango and everyone could mosey on down to the Shortbranch Saloon. Marshal Payne decided they could not all be a trailin’ off leaving Seth unguarded. A quick vote left Odie to ride herd on him while the rest hauled freight to the Short Branch Saloon. Little did the law know that the floozies, were out to distract the law from guardin’ Seth.

As soon as the they got out of sight Slim, disguised as Seth’s Mama came sashaying up to the jail. Odie said no one could to see Seth until the judge got there. Slim replied, “I’m Seth’s mama and you can’t keep a Mama away from her boy.” Odie relented and let her go on in. As soon as Slim got into the jail he tried to free Seth, but the cell door was stuck tight. Slim passed a gun to Seth, hitched a rope to the cell door and came out getting’ the drop on Odie. The rest of the gang came in and hired on some young hands from the crowd to haul on the rope and spring Seth. After a couple of hard tugs the door sprung open freeing Seth. The gang got so excited one of them cut loose with their Colt. The shot brought the rest of the law running. The outlaws cut a trail for the bridge out of town with the law givin’ chase with hot lead. But they ran out of bullets before the posse could saddle up as the gang lit out fer the hills.

By late afternoon and things had quieted down when the Seth Gang decided to head to the Short Branch Saloon to bend an elbow. As they rode into town they spotted Miss Goodbody & Miss Vycke which they lassoed in and herded along fer a good time. The floozies threw in with the gang, but Miss Goodbody had to use the facilities of the town outhouse first. No sooner then she got the door closed the law cut the gangs trail and rode up. The law’s attempt to arrest the Gang soon broke into an exchange of opinions from six-guns. As the Seth Gang ran out of bullets one of them pulled dynamite from the loot bag, lit it and tossed it at the posse before skedaddling. Marshal Odie, always alert for littering, pick the dynamite up and brought it over to the rest of the lawmen. Panicked by the smoldering fuse Marshal Payne and Deputy Holyday told Odie to get rid of it. He tried to give it to the audience as a souvenir, but no one was wantin’ to be dealt in that game. Not wanting to litter, Odie tossed the dynamite in the outhouse. The door being locked he just put it through the moon opening in the door.

BLAM! The blast shook the town and smoke billowed. When the smoke cleared and the dust settled the towns only outhouse was history. Standin’ in the rubble amid fluttering boa feathers was a tattered Miss Goodbody, who noted that “Buffalo Breath Salsa was pretty powerful stuff”. All Odie could say was: “Blast it All.”